a tree grows in the living room

my name spartacus. this is the moon cycle where my fambly puts together a tree in the living room. they did it a while back. Cookie put it together and then they put lights on it and hung stuff from it and then looked at it. i'm guessing i'm not allowed to pee on it so i won't in case i get yelled at.

a lot of stuff has happened since the last time i blogged you. i had to go to the dogtor cause i freaked out when it rained once. you know how when it rains sometimes a giant dog barks real loud and angry? well that scares me. the last time that happened i was alone and i got scared and i tried to dig my way outta the house through the garage door. daddy yelled at me and mommy took me to the dogtor. i'd rather get yelled at. the dogtor poked at me as usual and ended up giving me some pills i gotta take when i'm a little anxious. so embarrassing.

the cat has to take some medicine too cause she peed on the bed. daddy yelled at her and mommy took her to the dogtor (or whatever it is you call cat healers). she has to have medicine shot into her mouth. i'd rather have the bladder infection.

also i got some new toys to break and everyone has been home a lot more these last few days. it's been awesome! this is also the time of the year when it gets cold and daddy has made some cozy fires. let's see, what else? oh yeah! those $#@%! squirrels chewed up some wiring and daddy had to hire a squirrel hit man and some wire fixer dudes. i don't know why he hired a hit man when he could just let me up in the attack. i would do it for free! the wiring, not so much.

sorry for my neglectful blogging habits. in the new moon cycle i will try to not be so unblogful. but remember, i get distracted easy. sometimes i will be on my way to the computer and i will have an itch on my butt and one thing leads to another and the next thing i know the doorbell wakes me up. i'm a dog.

happy new 12 moon cycles! see you next do over!

dog christmas

my name spartacus. i got in trouble today cause i haven't been blogging like i'm supposed to and my mommy yelled at me. it's really bad when my mommy yells at me cause she's the good cop. my daddy yells at me so much sometimes i don't notice i'm in trouble.

i'm glad i got yelled at cause i wanted to tell you about this weird night a lot of a few nights ago. my fambly went out (in crazy outfits by the way) and left me all alone. so there i was minding my own business, you know, cleaning house so to bark, when the doorbell rang. well i went bonkers like usual and ran barking to the door and then the peepoles on the other side said something strange. it was hard to hear them through the door and my own barking, but i'm sure they said to smell their feet!

what is this?! peepole coming to the door and telling you to smell their feet?! what a genius idea! a service that brings smells to your door! why didn't i think of this?!

so did my parents order this service and forget? dang it! please! wait! don't go! yes i want to smell your feet! i know where the check books are!

then you'll never guess what. a little while later the doorbell rang again and this time they yelled "trickle treat!" what is a "trickle treat"? is it like beef jerky? i'll have one! wait! i have a check book! oh the irony! i can lick my jingle bells, but i can't turn a doorknob! don't go! why god!? why don't i have thumbs!?

well guess what. it rang again! and again and again and again! it rang all night and each time they were offering smells and treats! it was a nightmare. by the time my fambly got home i was exhausted. well it turns out this night was called halloween. it's crazy. peepole go for a walk, give each other junk to eat and smell each other's feet. it's like a holiday made for dogs. "halloween" = dog christmas.

next year i gotta get in on this!

mr. low dangles

my name spartacus. today i had a dangler. daddy wasn't happy. when daddy isn't happy it usually means somebody is having a good time.

i did try my best to get it off on the grass, but i guess he didn't see that. so when he called me in i thought i'd try on the rug to get more friction action going. like the rest of you, we see rugs a bit differently than peepole. for us a rug is a nice place to lay down and/or toilet paper. so i started my boot scootin' boogie across the rug and i hear guess what....that's right - "HEY!"

daddy sent me back outside and i tried again on the grass, but this was one stubborn dangler. i don't know if he forgot something in there or what, but he wouldn't budge. finally daddy gave up and called me in. then, to my delight, he had to get a paper towel and get it off by hand. if dogs could giggle i would've have been in so much trouble.

as you might expect, my dangler inspired me to write a poem:

ode to the dangler by spartacus

it hangs from my tail neither circle nor square

but it's what i would call rectangler.

cause it's stuck to my rectum and it's swinging around

did you guess what i have is a dangler?

no marching parade. no fireworks popping.

no fan fair, no stars and no spangles.

no one is proud you're the family dog

when you've got a bad case of the dangles.

i've tried on the grass. i've tried on the rug,

but i'm not what you'd call a poop wrangler.

i'm sorry to ask, but i need a sure hand

to help with one obstinate dangler.

you act like i'm rabid or cujo or such.

or like i'm that hockey masked mangler.

i'm still just your dog, your most bestest of buds,

but now with a big scary dangler!

P**P my dad says

my name spartacus. this is a list of stuff my daddy says to me the most:

10 stop licking the floor!

9 drop it!

8 stop licking your butt!

7 go outside!

6 shut up!

5 #*%$ dog!

4 what is that?!

3 kathleen!

2 spartacus!

1 NO!!

uh oh. he's yelling number 2. gtg!!

i'm walkin' here! or lawn mower fan

my name spartacus.  i finally went for a walk for the first time in a thousand years or so.  this time it didn't feel like the sun was five inches from my head and so i walked my tail off.  i walked all the way to the store where my sisters go to get colored ice drinks.  i don't get those drinks.  why would you want to drink anything, but water? ...and sometimes a lick or two of pee just for the information.

i stayed outside with my sister, Honey, to guard the bikes (Honey didn't bring her bike so she could walk me). this was cool with me cause i'm good at guarding stuff and because i got to smell all the peepole that went by.
you can get a lot of info from the way peepole smells.  after one pat on the head i can tell what they had for lunch, how long ago they ate, what kind of pets they have, if they washed their hands the last time they peed, how long ago they peed, pee...and that's just the important stuff.

lots of peepole want to pet me and they usually smell alright, but every so often someone smells suspicious and i have to stop wagging my tail until my nose can approve them.

so i walked much farther than usual and i was still leading they way for Honey on the way back!

today daddy mowed the back yard.  mowing is when he makes the grass shorter.  he uses a machine for this.  peepole use machines for just about everything; even to poop.  remember the water bowl chair i told you about?

i like when he mows.  i use to be afraid of the mowing machine cause it was so loud, but now i'm not ascared and we play a game with it.  in the game i get in his way until the last minute and then run like crazy when my daddy yells at me. it's such a fun game! i can tell my daddy is having fun too cause his face turns red.

when i first saw the mower work, i was amazed. when you push it over the grass the grass gets shorter! awesome! but now i know how it works.  you see, it's so loud that when you push it over the grass the grass ducks and tries to hide.  the grass stays like that for a long time until it slowly stands back up again when it thinks its safe.  i notice that some grass gets so scare that it jumps completely out of the ground!

i ain't afraid of the mower no more. i'm smarter than grass.

to kill a flamingo bird

my name spartacus. mommy brought home a new toy for me yesterday. i think it was yesterday. it was when the sun was going out last. anyway she got me a rubber pink flamingo. it - is - AWESOME!! when you squeeze it, it farts! it's like a high pitched whistle fart. the only problem is that it doesn't smell like a fart, but that's ok; it's still really cool.

i took it out back and pretended it was a squirrel and i showed mommy what i would do to a squirrel if i ever got a hold of one. she thought i was kissing it. no way! i was mauling it! i hope some squirrels were watching. "you see this, squirrels?! that's right!"

i love my new toy! thanks mommy! play with me!

here are some pictures of my killer attacking method. warning: these pictures may be too intense for small rodents.

Sgt. Yorkie

my name spartacus. you remember my awesome cousin Gigi? she came to visit me during my semi-retirement. she lived with me for a while and during that time she was the owner of the house. she is an alpha female and she would yell at me alot. she's a little Yorkie, but i'm not sure what she's been told she is and she's not high enough for mirrors.

anyway, when she lived here i would bug her to play and she would yell at me which was fun for me. she would sleep on my big pillow and eat my food and i thought that was very thoughtful of her. but she also had some annoying habits. like she would get mad if anybody left the house and yell at them until the door closed and then she would get mad at them for coming home! that was confusing and kinda scary.

but i loved having her around and sometimes she would forget her image and start playing with me and reveal she was a dog after all; and by the way, her poop does stink.

so when she came over, she yelled at me, snapped at me and stole my pillow and it was great! just like old times.

i wish my mommy would let me get a puppy.