is there a dog in the house?!

my name spartacus. i had to cure my daddy and my biggest sister, Honey, this week. they were both sick as a... well, one of us. so i sat by them until i cured them and then today my mommy started feeling sick so i'm gonna sit by her until i cure her too.

anyway this got me to thinkin' i coulda been a good dogtor. maybe i should think about getting a job. so this was on my mind when i was chewing on my daddy's newsweek and i saw an article about dog jobs. did you know...

• our noses are 100,000 times more sensitive than a peepole's nose.
• labradors can dectect colorectal and bowel cancer with a 98% accuracy while current technology is right only about 10% of the time.
• even though billions have been spent on technology, there is still nothing that beats a dog's nose when it comes to detecting bombs.
• we can sniff out bed bugs with a 95% accuracy rate.
• many of us are used to help scientists track endangered species in the open sea.
• some of us can sniff out gluten in food to protect peeople with celiac disease.

so depending on the breed you are, you could be a lab tech, a soldier, an ocean biologist, a dogtor, a police dog.... we can be cowboys, firedogs, therapists, comedians...

so tell your pups to keep their noses clean and the world is wide open for them. i was considering looking into obedience school, but i like my current job of being a happy home maker. i don't know what my fambly would do without their fambly dogtor.

spartacus vs. the giant alien slobber monster

my name spartacus. the scariest thing happened yesterday. i was too disturbed to write about it until now. the following was inspired by true events...

i was having a good day because both my mommy and daddy were home, but i knew something was wrong because they were cleaning. so i kept my ears sharp for a car door and i was excited to bark at and smell whom ever we were expecting, but all of a sudden that was out the window when my mommy grabbed the leash. there was only room in my head enough to think, "walk!", so i forgot all about the mysterious visitor. when we got outside, i was cursing myself for not filling up again when all of a sudden mommy opened the car door! "CAR RIDE!" and that's all i was able to think about until we got moving.

you know, when you can only focus on one thing at a time, there are a lot of surprises in your life. which is why i was shocked when i saw that mommy was driving straight into a gigantic mouth!

i never saw it coming or i woulda warned her, "mommy you're driving into a giant monster's mouth! turn!" but it was too late (and i don't speak english too good. it woulda just came out as, "woof!"). so before anything could be done, we were already being eaten! and what a mouth! it was magnificently disgusting! a thousand tongues licking and lashing! spinning teeth grinding and chewing! and the drool! oh the drool! the car was immersed in grotesquely gratuitous saliva! there was so much slobber going on i was horrified (and a little bit jealous). IT- WAS - AWESOME!

as we made our way through the bowels of the beast, i tried to protect my mommy by barking at it, but since it's ears are on the outside, it didn't hear me. my poor mommy had no idea what was happening. she kept trying to baby talk me and acting like we were simply on a sunday drive (this is a shameful plug for my daddy's short film, "Sunday Drive". ok daddy?)

though i pittied her, i thought it best she didn't know what was really happening. let her enjoy her last moments in ignorant bliss.

the monster's digestive system worked freakishly fast and soon we were being "pushed". first we were hit by a blast of air. this, i later realized, was the monster farting because right after that we were pooped out. pooped, but alive! we had actually survived being eaten and then digested! i had won! my name SPARTACUS!

and after all that, after i had saved her from the giant alien slobber monster, mommy just drove on like nothing had happened. she's cute like that.

we're gonna need to wash the car now.

to pee or not to pee

my name spartacus. i guess my mommy doesn't want me blogging about peeing anymore. you know how peepole are; they are basically animals that won't admit it. but that's ok. if mommy finds it tacky, i won't talk about peeing anymore cause i love her.

so i was licking my butt the other day and my daddy yelled at me to stop it. do you get yelled at for licking your butt? i do. i get yelled at for a lot of stuff like that. as you know it's just a little house cleaning. how would he like it if i barged into the bathroom and barked at him while he was cleaning up? he can be uptight about some things. in fact i noticed that peepole, in general, get grossed out pretty easily. but they don't understand that just because they're grossed out by a little bit of partially digested lunch doesn't mean we are. it goes down easier the second time, doesn't it? you see, dear old dad, "gross" is just not a part of a dog's vocabulary (except when i used it in this blog in the abstract).

so when i'm doing some "house cleaning" and i get yelled at, i move to another room and go to town. except i forget that my daddy has x-ray vision! i know this cause i'll be in a whole other room biting, scratching and licking and my daddy will yell at me to quit! you see, peepole have awesome senses that blow ours away. i guess that's why they get grossed out so easily. i gotta remember to wait 'till they go to sleep. i can't think too many steps ahead at a time though. in fact, i can't think any steps ahead. that's why i'm not a very good chess player.

daddy's home and i gotta go pee! oops! sorry mommy!

pee. s.

my name spartacus. i thought of more stuff about my peeing that maybe you can relate to. when i'm on my walk and pee on stuff it also means; this is pretty much mine now; my mailbox; my shrub; my light post; my tree; my cat and, um, sorry about that kitty...

my daddy will let me smell anything i want, but he won't let me pee on certain things like cars or flowers or sofas. when i was first adopted i didn't know there were certain things you couldn't pee on. i mean what do you do when you get a new home? you pee on it! that's exactly right! what do you do when you visit a place? YES! you pee on it!

the first time i entered my new house and peed on it my parents got all bent out of shape. (well my daddy did. usually how it works is that my daddy yells at me and my mommy yells at my daddy) my daddy got mad at me, showed it to me (like i didn't realize i just peed) and made me go outside. I'm like hello?! i just took care of that, remember? you just showed it to me! at that point i knew i wasn't dealing with a rocket scientist.

as you know, i was only claiming the place; just a little formality. like signing on the dotted line.

but i learned pretty quickly that peepole don't like it when you pee in the house unless it's in the water bowl chair. since i can't use the water bowl chair to go outside, i have to go outside to go outside. i do use it's other function as a water bowl occasionally, but i get yelled at for that too! there's water there in a bowl! why can't i drink it?! peepole have so many rules! so confusing.

before i learned the peepole pee rules, i peed everywhere and it was glorious! the first (and, as it turned out, last) time i went to my cousin auggie's house, i peed on the couch and everyone got so excited that, at first, i thought a squirrel was in the house. even my mommy got mad at me for that one. they took me to petsmart once and i peed on it. the dogtor's office - peed on it. the minivan - mine.

so there's a little heads up on the peepole pee rules in case you're newly adopted or a puppy. i know the rules pretty good now.

veni, vidi, pee pee! or... i came, i saw, i urinated!

my name spartacus. today was an awesome day for a walk. so was yesterday, but my mommy and daddy were both sick (they don't get punished for it like i do, though). anyways, my daddy took me today.

don't you love going for walks? i do! all i have to do is hear the jingle of the leash and i flip out. i run to the front door and i sit down and stand up and walk in place and cry. i'm a little embarrassed that i cry about it, but i just can't help myself. i just cry a little. then he connects the leash to my collar and i ignite the afterburners.

at first i'm so excited that i drag my daddy. i'm in such a hurry to pee on stuff and he is so slow! he yells at me and i'm choking myself, but i don't care. i got things to smell and places to pee on. i can breathe later.

i smell everything and if i detect someone else's mark, i pee on it. just a little "hello". "spartacus was here". usually i run out of pee about half way through the walk. this is really frustrating, but it's not my fault. the walk always comes without warning so i don't get a chance to fill up first. but even after i run out, i try anyway. it's important to let the neighborhood dogs know that spartacus is in the house!

it's also fun to look at peepole. the peepole puppies usually wanna pet me. i let them cause i like them and plus i wanna smell them. the big peepoles either say something nice or they give me a pretty wide berth. i'm never sure about the big peepole so i sometimes bark, but then my daddy would yell at me.

about halfway back and with an empty bladder, i calm down and walk at a pace the old man can handle. i thought i woulda had him trained proper by now, but i guess it's gonna take a little more time and alotta more patience.

walking is one of my favorite things. if i could, i would walk 27/10!

k-9 and punishment

my name spartacus. i had to go to the dogtor today. if you don't know what that is then you're lucky. the dogtor is a lady your peepole take you to as a punishment when you're not feeling good. they do things like poke you and scrape you and stick things up your butt so that by the time the punishment is over, you are so glad to be out of there you start feeling better.

the first time i went i was really excited cause, when i first walked in, it was smellorama! a veritable international bazaar of smells. it - was - AWESOME! there were other dogs there and even cats! but then a peepole took me into a little room and they started the punishment. the actual peepole are nice, but it's only to get you to let your guard down. peepole can be pretty smart- sneaky - but pretty smart...

one time i remember i was having allergies. i was scratching myself like crazy until my hair was coming out and i was bleeding. in other words, i was handling it just fine and everything was cool, right? then all of a sudden i'm in that little room and these peepole were doing all kinds of wac things to me that only peepole would think of to do.

the leader is the one the peepole call the "dogtor". i like her a real lot. she's the one who comes in and breaks it up. she always looks in my mouth to see what i've eaten and then she looks in my ears to see if i'm listening. she talks real nice to me and pets me and yells at my daddy. i like her. she's also the one who frees me.

sometimes they send my mommy or daddy home with pills to give me, but since they don't taste like anything that use to be alive, i don't like them and i spit them out and that's the end of it. it works out nicely because whenever i spit a pill out they take it away and then reward me with a piece of chicken or something...about...the size...of...THE PILL! HEY! GTG!

wags and giggles

my name spartacus. my peepole uncle Ed sent me a joke that made my tail wag:

a three legged dog walks into a bar.

the bar tender says, "Can I help you?"

and the dog says, "I'm lookin' for my paw."

thanks uncle Ed!

if you have a joke that's puppy friendly or an idea for me to blog about, feel free to put it in the comments or send it to me. I gotta get back to my pre-noon nap nap. gtg.

the magic window

my name spartacus. right now i'm hangin' out in the living room with my daddy. he's watching that crazy peepole game i tole you about through that magic window i also tole you about.

i don't know if your house has a magic window, but mine does. in case you don't have one, what it is is a window where you can see what's goin' on anywhere in the universe. the first time i noticed it, i was laying on my pillow and i heard a cat meow. when i looked up i saw a cat just outside the window so i raced out my doggie door, but the cat wasn't there. so i thought, "it must be out front" and i ran to the hole in the fence to look in the front, but it wasn't there either.

when i went back to the window the cat was gone and there was a bunch of peepole pups chasing each other around on flying brooms and i thought, "wow! that's awesome!" and i ran outside again. and guess what; no peepole puppies flying around on brooms! i growled.

after i did this about seven or eight times, i realized, wait a minute, this is no regular window here. you can see anything anywhere with it! my fambly calls it a "teevee" which is short for "magic window". you can even change what you see whenever you want to. they do this by using a magic wand which they call a "remote". i know why they call it that; it's cause when they are looking out the magic window they become remote. they just sit there and stare at it for ages and don't talk much although sometimes they laugh at it together. and there i am not playing or eating or anything. i just wait for them to finish.

they have a smaller window in the bedroom which i like better cause when they look out that one, they are in bed and i can lay next to them under the covers.

not long after i discovered the window i lost interest in it. if you're like me, you'd rather be outside chasing cars than sitting there in the living room watching somebody else do it.

although when they're watching it, it's easier to steal food... and tonight they're having pizza... gtg!

the winter of my content

my name spartacus and i'm over it! the snow hasn't died yet. i don't know what the deal is, but i do know that ice is cold. let me tell you, going to the bathroom is not as fun when you're freezing your tail off.

another drag about snow and ice is that it's dang near impossible to find a bone in it. and it's slippery! it's maybe not as bad for us cause we have four wheel drive, but peepole have a little more trouble with it. also, i don't know about you, but my mommy bundled me up so i could walk my daddy and sisters. do you have to put on clothes? i had to wear a hand-me-down baby coat and hood, but what i needed was shoes! so i was humiliated and still cold! i don't know what snow is good for after you've run around in it and dug some holes.

still, even though the cold snow has worn out it's welcome, these last few days have been great cause my fambly has been home for longer than usual and i do like me some fire. my dog house is big enough for my whole fambly and it's warm in here.

here is what my mommy made me wear:

MUSH!

my name spartacus. my whole fambly was home all day today, which was lucky cause it also snowed! so we got to hang out and play in the snow! awesome! it wasn't awesome right away though.

i had forgotten what snow was at first. when my daddy opened the back door for me to go pee, i stepped from the kitchen into the arctic! i stopped, looked down and backed up. whoa! who froze the backyard?! what am i gonna do with all this pee? so daddy put his shoes and coat on and grabbed the leash. good idea! let's try the front! and please hurry! but it was like that out in the front too!

well, put a leash on me and i'll go anywhere. but boy howdy it was cold! for you who might not know, snow is ice that grows in the winter. mostly it grows overnight and then dies after a couple days. and it is cold! this was one time i was glad i didn't have my boys down there anymore cause today they would've froze off anyway.

eventually i got used to it when i went out to play with my sisters. i ran around like a maniac and made everybody laugh. i was runnin' so fast i couldn't stand it! i'm fast. i would be a good sled dog i bet. except my feet get cold.

daddy made a fire in the fireplace (which i think is pretty smart) and, after we played, i chilled by the fire. mommy put my fancy pillow there for me which kinda made up for what she made me do yesterday. oh the humanity!

here's how fast i run:

snow is fun, but it'd be better if it was warm...