spartacus vs. the giant alien slobber monster

my name spartacus. the scariest thing happened yesterday. i was too disturbed to write about it until now. the following was inspired by true events...

i was having a good day because both my mommy and daddy were home, but i knew something was wrong because they were cleaning. so i kept my ears sharp for a car door and i was excited to bark at and smell whom ever we were expecting, but all of a sudden that was out the window when my mommy grabbed the leash. there was only room in my head enough to think, "walk!", so i forgot all about the mysterious visitor. when we got outside, i was cursing myself for not filling up again when all of a sudden mommy opened the car door! "CAR RIDE!" and that's all i was able to think about until we got moving.

you know, when you can only focus on one thing at a time, there are a lot of surprises in your life. which is why i was shocked when i saw that mommy was driving straight into a gigantic mouth!

i never saw it coming or i woulda warned her, "mommy you're driving into a giant monster's mouth! turn!" but it was too late (and i don't speak english too good. it woulda just came out as, "woof!"). so before anything could be done, we were already being eaten! and what a mouth! it was magnificently disgusting! a thousand tongues licking and lashing! spinning teeth grinding and chewing! and the drool! oh the drool! the car was immersed in grotesquely gratuitous saliva! there was so much slobber going on i was horrified (and a little bit jealous). IT- WAS - AWESOME!

as we made our way through the bowels of the beast, i tried to protect my mommy by barking at it, but since it's ears are on the outside, it didn't hear me. my poor mommy had no idea what was happening. she kept trying to baby talk me and acting like we were simply on a sunday drive (this is a shameful plug for my daddy's short film, "Sunday Drive". ok daddy?)

though i pittied her, i thought it best she didn't know what was really happening. let her enjoy her last moments in ignorant bliss.

the monster's digestive system worked freakishly fast and soon we were being "pushed". first we were hit by a blast of air. this, i later realized, was the monster farting because right after that we were pooped out. pooped, but alive! we had actually survived being eaten and then digested! i had won! my name SPARTACUS!

and after all that, after i had saved her from the giant alien slobber monster, mommy just drove on like nothing had happened. she's cute like that.

we're gonna need to wash the car now.